Dear D.C. Area Friends in the Path of the Most Epic Snowstorm on Record in the History of All Humanity for All Time and Never Again to Ever Be Seen Again,
I know many of your are huddled in your homes, with your extra closet space filled with Ramen, Oreo Cookies, stick matches, a compass and perhaps a Swiss Army Knife with a handy can opener attachment. Your eager preparation may indeed save your life — or, at a minimum, increase your sodium intake from prepared foods that you grabbed desperately before the other guy did at the grocery store which was being completely eviscerated for all available food items.
Years ago, when I lived in Fairmount, North Dakota, we had these things you are allegedly going to soon experience…a Blizzard. Lots of them. They were terrifying. It got cold. There was wind.
And, snow. Did you know that the chemical composition for snow is H20? That’s right! It’s water. Just frozen. Thankfully it’s dispersed in a kabillion flakes or it would be big chunky icicles raining down on you. And, that would — well, that would suck.
I’ve seen pictures of your hoarded hooch — the well-stocked places in your home filled with food (yes, I even saw some Little Debbie stockpiles which I have to warn you is probably more dangerous to you than the snowstorm — but I digress)–and warm weather clothing that would have been the envy of our Army at the Battle of the Bulge.
It’s all impressive. And, I dare say, there’s a growing chance you may survive this Most Epic Snowstorm on Record in the History of All Humanity for All Time and Never Again to Ever Be Seen Again (M.E.S.R.H.A.H.A.T.N.A.E.B.S.A.)
However, should this M.E.S.R.H.A.H.A.T.N.A.E.B.S.A not pan out to be so bad — or in a worst case scenario be even worse than an anticipated, I wanted to offer my best thoughts and wishes to you in the minutes, hours and days ahead.
I wish I could offer you life saving tips beyond don’t go outside if it is snowing so hard you can’t see your own nose — or if it is so cold that your nose falls off — but I am not qualified to really comment on how to survive a M.E.S.R.H.A.H.A.T.N.A.E.B.S.A because — well, because I have never experienced a M.E.S.R.H.A.H.A.T.N.A.E.B.S.A.
It seems you will and for that I pray to God that the M.E.S.R.H.A.H.A.T.N.A.E.B.S.A is brief and to the point and that in the days and weeks ahead — given the lack of actual snow removal equipment that exists in a region of the country that should have figured this out by now — you will experience freedom when the snow accumulation actually melts and permits you to open your doors and windows to freedom.
Be brave. Stand strong. Do not allow this M.E.S.R.H.A.H.A.T.N.A.E.B.S.A to defeat you or weaken your resolve to yell “Screw You” to it.
I hope to see you on the end of this storm — once again posting about Most Epic Things that Only Happen On The East Coast and Have Never Happened Anywhere Else in the World Ever Before Ever (M.E.T.O.H.O.T.E.C.H.N.H.A.E.W.E.B.E.).
P.S. – I think the Little Debbie Nutty Bars are the most complete source for your nutritional needs in the days ahead — but avoid the Oatmeal Crème, for the love of all that is holy….please!